All-New 21st-Century Online Collaborative Novel

Daisy's revenge!

2011-06-09T20:39:00.003+01:00

The Zombie cat awoke from the anaesthetic after having his severed head sewn back on. Daisy was very proud of her surgery. She always knew tha Haynes manual for her Honda ss50 would come in handy.

Zombie cat seemed to be feeling the after-effects of the 5 minute operation and was stumbling around, crashing into things and eventually falling down the stairs. Daisy put him in the garden while she made lunch. After a few minutes Daisy noticed a lot of birds dancing in front of Zombie cat, chirping wildly, pecking at him. This was unusual, as Zombie cat was normally a nasty bastard to the birds (as all cats are) and they never used to get so close to him...............but when your head's been sewn on backwards!...

Rise of the Zombie Cat

2011-05-19T23:01:00.003+01:00

"Ohmygod, I thought you were dead!" exclaimed Daisy, "I've been so worried about you. Where have you been? Here, let me brush your fur."

Zombie Cat curled up in Daisy's lap as she started to brush him, then as her hand came close, he sank his teeth into her arm.

"Ow! That's not a very nice way to say hello. I think you've drawn blood. Hey, stop chewing me you naughty kitty! I mean it. Ow! Get off me!"

But Zombie Cat kept gnawing at her, struggling against her as she fought him off with her brush while still trying to smooth his fur.

"Mraow, braaaains!"

"No brains for you, bad kitty! You'll have tuna and like it. Have you been fighting? Your fur's coming out in lumps. And you seem to be missing a leg. Where's my first aid kit? And my samurai sword?"

Zombie Cat was still gnawing at her as she lopped off his head, but after that he relaxed enough for her to pick him up, wash the blood off and start brushing his fur again.

"There, that's better. Now just wait here while I find my sewing kit and some air freshener and I'll soon have you looking - and smelling - as good as new."

A wee bit o' Seuss, for the end of 2010

2010-12-18T22:43:00.004Z

Oh, up on high
on the top of Mount Mousie,
our Cat Hero now lives
wearing waistcoat and trousies.

His computer woes
were all finally sorted
CTRL-ALT-DELETE
and the processes were aborted.

With suitcase of beer
and curry take-away,
he hiked up yon mountain
he did it today.

And now he's well hidden
on top of Mount Mousie.
The view is astounding
when the weather's not lousy.

He's abandoned the missus
the wretched old sod
he lives now on liver
and salted dried cod.

Why did he do this?
You ask, so I'll tell ya:
Our Cat Hero boy
Is in love with a fella.

The realization quite boggled him,
He's quite puzzled, true.
And so he's retreated,
to think these things through.

What will Jimmy Cat do?
How will his life play out?
I don't know for sure,
That cantankerous old trout.

In the meantime he's stationed
on Mount Mousie's top,
doing his best Grinch impersonation
(I wish he would stop).

And that is the latest,
of Jimmy Cat and his beer.
If you know any more,
Please write it down here.

Alas

2010-11-02T11:12:00.002Z

There are no more. They have gone.

We must carry on.
With suitcases.
And a beer.

O,h my ears and whiskers...

2010-10-26T02:55:00.006+01:00

The time. It gets away from me. It's been almost a week since the last post, I am shocked to realize.

So. Wrestling the new computer into submission has been time-consuming. 2003 versions of software aren't so compatible with Windows 7. Who knew?

Yeah. Me, too. But I had to give it a shot.

And that's all I've got to say about that. Chocolate, anyone?

Auld Lang's Whine

2010-01-02T04:59:00.003Z

"It's been a feckin' year since anyone's paid us any mind," said Jimmy.

And the Mrs. had to admit, it was the feckin' truth.

"Shite, then. Sure an' how about a bit o' Fellatio to stave off the boredom," said Jimmy.

"What? At this time o' the night?" howled the Mrs..

"I'm not singin' feckin' opera at this hour, ya feckless twat!"

Roddy Doyle

2009-01-01T15:06:00.003Z

- Eejit.

Jimmy Cat was enjoying breakfast. The sardines were a taste, though the juice had made a bit of a dribble on the floor. No matter, he'd lick it up when Mrs. Cat wasn't looking.

Jimmy was giving out about the other cat in the house, a patchy porker who was visiting Mr. and Mrs. Upstairs. Something about Mrs. Upstairs' sister's piles being worked on in a hospital in Sligo. Any rate, old baldy was in the house to stay, and he was, as Jimmy said, an eejit.

- Now, then, he's not so bad.

Mrs. Cat, taking the side of the guest.

- He's taken a dump in the pantry.
- Not his fault he ate all that leftover curry.
- Eejit.
- Now, now.

Jimmy didn't care. He didn't care if baldy heard him. He was in a foul mood, what with this and the sardine juice down his chin and Jimmy Junior getting his ear ripped the other night by some tough from Dunblane. Barrytown wasn't fit to live in with all this going on, foreign cats and all.

- I'm going out.
- Don't go looking for that Dunblane cat.

Fuck. How did she know?

- I know what you're thinking of. Leave it be. Wee Jimmy'll have to fight his own fights.

What the bloody hell was the world coming to? Now the woman was telling him not to meddle, to let the kid fight it out. That was completely backwards. It was supposed to be the ma giving out to the kiddies about not messing, staying out of fights, not encouraging them. It was getting so that Jimmy had no clue what a da was supposed to do any more.

- Alright, I'm going to Bertie's. He's some fish bones need seeing to.

Jimmy left, scanning the road for that Eejit dog Rover and making sure there was no dog poo in his path. Barrytown. What a dump. And now he was sharing it with a balding mog from Kinsale, who gobbled leftover curry and deposited the remains inside the house.

Jimmy hoped Bertie had something better than fish bones to take his mind off it all.

2008-09-04T18:00:00.003+01:00

With apologies to Joyce Kilmer.

Kittees
I think that I shall never see
A human clever as a cat.
A cat whose hungry eyes will stare
At that sweet cheezburger sitting there.
A cat that watches for his chance
To steal that burger while you glance
At other kitteh over there
Who's hacking up a ball of hair.
Upon your carpet he has lain,
A knarly icky glob to stain.
Humans are just fools you see,
Can be distracted, meanwhile we...
Can haz cheezburger.

Om nom nom hey nonny nonny.

Jenasis

2008-08-31T04:01:00.007+01:00

Jeniasus 1:1-3

Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz. At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.

An Basement Cat LOLed.

bill bissett

2008-04-28T02:52:00.003+01:00

[for reference, bill bissett]

nd th cat's n my hed

but that's alright, n evrythng

cos maybe he's ded, n maybe he isnt
it's uncertn, see? with tht giger cntr n all

friggin Heisnbrg. I lrnd it n school, but it
didnt do me no good now, did it?

so, nyway, here's the cat deal.
He's lost, n the dark more or less,
lookin at th parchmnt
thinkn bout onions
n stuff
n then there's this big noise
sounds like Montreal on a Tuesday
after th Habs win
nd he scats
not scats like crap, but like outta here, man
leavin the darkness
leavin the parchmnt
leavin, always leavin
lik m leavin u now
not fr gud, just fr now

419

2008-03-10T22:05:00.006Z

From: Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora.
No:36 Old Shrewberry Street,
London England.

Beloved,
I am Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora, suffering from cancerous ailment.I used to be married to Sir Rosjoy Goldentouch an English aristocat of very high breeding who is dead and resting peacefully. My husband was an able-bodied seaman all his life before he passed. Our life together as man and wife lasted for three minutes without offsprings. My husband died after a protracted illness in an accident he got from Africa while on humanitarian duties. He was shot while scavenging from dustbins, then cooked and eaten. My husband,while he was alive made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from the marriage, which never came.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Twenty Million Pounds (20,000,000.00 Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling)which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from. Which effect my grammer; syntax and speling.

Though what bothers me most is the Tennis Elbow that I have in addition to the cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially, such as people who are obliged to live Up North.

I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy individuals and I do not want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures such as dolphin-flavoured catfood. I do not want this money to be misused hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me. I do not want them to know about this development because i want the money used for the Less Previledged. Also, holding a telephone is quite tricky in my predicament.

My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon.You can contact me through my personal email address at: pandorafunds419@hotmail.scam

Thanking you in advance for everything,
Sincerely yours,
Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora

Dungeon Cat

2008-03-05T20:25:00.003Z

You find yourself in a large chamber dimly lit by flickering torches.
Passages lead off to the north and east.
A spiral staircase leads up into darkness.

Look.

Looking around, you see:
* A large, glittering emerald.
* A short, bronze sword inscribed with mysterious runes.
* A wooden box.
* A collection of small, coloured polyhedrons.
* A sheet of parchment.

You hear a meowing sound coming from the box.

Get box.

You pick up the wooden box. It shifts in your hands.

Open box.

You open the wooden box.
Inside the box, you see:
* A small, glowing lump of metal.
* A geiger counter.
* A vial marked "Poison".
* A small, black cat.

The cat leaps from the box and disappears up the spiral staircase.

Get parchment.

You pick up the sheet of parchment. It bears an inscription.

Read parchment.

R.I.P. Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D.

King James Version

2008-02-25T21:35:00.002Z

And so it was, that the days were accomplished, that she would be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and then a daughter, then two more sons and another daughter.

Verily I say unto you, the children she did clasp to her bosom, and did give suck, for unto this time had she awaited. But the Tom had forsaken her, and lo! she was wroth and exceedingly distressed.

Blessed be the kit who doth know his father, and his father's name. Unto him shall come much milk and kibble. But woe to the fatherless kit who comes not with mice to instruct the young and favor his spouse.

And when the time was passed, and the kits weaned from her bosom, then did the cat seek the Tom, for his place in their instruction was ordained by the prophets, but he came not, neither could she find him.

miss cat, beat poet

2008-01-28T02:23:00.000Z

& then that cat cat flew outta my head and outta my crib & then he was gone leaving me with adam's rib 'cos it's soooooo like the way the artichokes ramble on and on but then mysteriously he was gone it was said that he came back but i never saw it happen so he's still gone and it's all whack

whatever the place is empty like blue orbits of the moon and when it happens like that it's the middle of june i can't find him no more so i went to the store and stored up more so sore my head's so sore thinking about that cat and his mat and where my head's at i wish and i wish that my thinking weren't flat

mister cat you're tiring me out i need a dish of trout to fill my belly out what you did when you left me last wednesday night it ain't right I'm contrite and my eyes in the light can't see anything anything anything new so what do I do and so man i flew from the door to the store and i can't buy no more this materialism is making me sore

so i say mister cat you making me ache give me a break you just come and you take so you better be back mister cat and that's that

The Mass Spectrometrists Cat

2008-01-13T20:54:00.000Z

Meanwhile.....

The Mass Spectrometrists Cat

Sat on the Finnigan Mat

Singleton chicklit

2008-01-10T19:38:00.000Z

Thursday 10th Jan. Still single.

Was hoping to be writing about my new man, Tom, but the fucker decided to run off after our date last night.

FUCKER!

Had so much fun (note to self: too much fun? Is this bad?) and felt like we really clicked. Disgracefully, let him shag me on our first date. Am dreadful old sleazy floozy.

Obviously was not hard enought to get, as once he'd got he legged it.

Did I give him my number? Can't remember. Damn, damn, damn.

Ha. Will ignore him if (when?) he calls, and pretend have many other gorgeous possible dates after me. That'll teach him. He will then keep calling me and professing undying love. Need to work on my sexy rejection voice for the first few calls.

(Later)

Unless (horrible thought!) he calls round. FUCK! He might turn up on the doorstep, calling for me! I look like shit!

Need a serious grooming session...my hair is a disgrace!

(Much later, much, much later)

Oh, what's the point?

Fuck it.

Where's those sardines?

Trashy Porn

2008-01-08T21:14:00.000Z

She woke up in darkness, yawned and stretched. It was warm in here, but stifling in more ways than one. Pushing open the door, she stepped briefly into the glow of a streetlight and glanced around. What she needed, she decided, lay towards the less salubrious quarter of town.

Slinking along in the shadows, taking shortcuts through the back alleys, she followed her nose to the fishy smell of the docks. And there, swaggering off the gangplank of a trawler, powerful muscles rippling with every step, was just the fellow she was after.

"Hey, Tom," she called. They always answered to Tom. "Looking for a good time?"

His head jerked around as if he'd been punched on the jaw. "Well, hey there, Kitty," he smiled, showing a dazzling array of teeth. His gaze quickly travelled from her green eyes, taking in the sleekness of her waist before coming to rest on her firm thighs. "What did you have in mind?"

"Do I really need to answer that?"

Moments later, their bodies were locked together in a tangle of limbs, thrusting and grinding and that. "Boy, you don't waste any time, do you? You must have been on that boat a loooooooong time. Ah! Yes! Yes! Oooooooooooooohhhhhh! Baby, yes! etc."

A boot came flying past her ear. "Shut the fuck UP! Bloody cats!"

Before she could draw breath, Tom was gone, tail disappearing behind a packing crate.

"Call me!" she yowled hopefully, before heading back towards the bright lights of town.

E.E. Cummings

2007-12-14T04:23:00.000Z

but

&thisis the

(in the manner of)

and so the
hat flying furiously

:as it will,

when all feline friends are interwoven
brokenly;

and over the hill
comes

(I share the cream)

Legal Document.

2007-12-11T18:54:00.000Z

'A HAT LAY ON THE DUSTY MAT'.
This is not acceptable, too much risk of asthma.

'INSIDE THE HAT, THERE SAT A CAT'.

No,no. You cannot have a cat sat inside a hat, think of the allergy ramifications!

'THE MAT WAS GREY'.

Safe, neutral colour.

'THE HAT WAS GREY'.

Camouflage, I like this!

'THE CAT WAS HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT.'

Now, you're running a fine line,threatening behaviour!

'WHO GIVES A DAMN WHERE THE MAT CAT SAT?'

The jury's out........

Dr. Seuss

2007-12-11T15:39:00.000Z

A hat lay on the dusty mat
Inside the hat there sat a cat
The mat was grey
the hat was grey
the cat was holding a baseball bat
Who gives a damn where the mat cat sat?

Agony Aunt

2007-12-03T20:49:00.001Z

Dear "Felix"

Thank you so much for your long and very interesting letter. It did take me a while to decipher it, though. Perhaps you could use a keyboard next time, as your writing is a little difficult to read.

I couldn't make head nor tail of some of it!

As requested, I am replying through my column (oh, I do hate having to use that term!) to protect your privacy.

You certainly have some interesting issues to deal with.

First things first.

The man who is cutting holes in your door. You didn't mention whether you know him, or if he is some sort of wandering madman, trying to get in. If it is the latter. I advise you VERY STRONGLY to call the police IMMEDIATELY.

Yes, immediately.

No, no trying to talk to him. If he is using power tools to break in, dial 999. It's for the best, lovie.

Secondly, you say that you feel that nobody listens to you. Oh, my dear, my dear. We all feel that way sometimes. Are you using the right language? Simply changing the tone of your voice might be all it needs to make people sit up and take notice.

However, it worries me rather that you talk about jumping onto your housemates' laps to get their attention. This is not constructive behaviour, sweetie. You'll get a reputation if nothing else! And you might end up hurting someone. I know it makes you feel better in the short term, but think about it...is it the kind of thing that you can carry on indefinitely?

Finally, the destructive behaviour. You didn't go into much detail about this, and to be honest your writing was rather hard to understand here. Were you getting very excited when you wrote this part of your letter?

I made out the words "kitteh skrach skrach skrach" I think. And "Ah luvs mah klaus!!111!!!" but I was left a little bewildered by this, I must confess. Were you referring to a dreadful experience at a childhood Christmas perhaps?

Anyway, I think you need to try to get out into the fresh air and take your mind off things.

Maybe meet a nice girl or two?

Have you thought about taking up a new activity? What about singing? It is TERRIBLY good for cheering oneself up, sweetie. You might discover a voice you never knew you had!

Please let me know how you get on.

Auntie Maudie.

Chaucer

2007-11-30T21:40:00.000Z

Forsooth, and that, sayeth ye churl, thatte catte be exceeding fatte to fitte through yonder hole. Methinks Ich shall haue to fetch me a deuice for to make ye catte smaller, or mayhaps make ye hole bigger? Sikerly it be as Maister Murphy hath proclaimed, that an hole cutte to fitte shalle not be fitte for its purpose. Fol de rol. Ich haue made an japerye.

Swyve thys for an game of soldiery, Ich haue an better idea by far! Ich shall give ye catte to mine gude freende Johannes Gowere and get mineself an hounde!

Technical manual.

2007-11-24T18:42:00.000Z

When Mat came back from his nightly excursion, and landed successfully in the lounge via the window he had craftily left open, Cat crapped on him. It was not a malicious crap, but one much needed as Mat had flown off with the kitty litter, and during his victory roll it fell off and landed on some poor bloke two doors down the street who was busily reading a technical manual on how to fit a cat flap in his back door.

The work was not going too well, and the last thing he needed was somebody elses' cat crap landing on him. Unmoved, he carried on.

Step 1: Measure door width to ensure correct centralisation of hole to be cut.
Step 2: Cut hole by drilling four holes, one in each corner, then use saw to make cuts between holes.
Step 3: Before fitting cat-flap check cat fits through hole.
Step 4: If cat is too big for hole................?

Meanwhile back at the ranch…

2007-11-21T11:22:00.000Z

Mathew had been lying about all day. Because that’s what he did, all day, everyday, except on the days when his mistress decided he needed a good beating. Today though was a normal sort of day, she was out and the large paddle remained hanging in the cupboard. So Mathew spent his day lying around on the cold stone floor. Well, that’s what mats do innit.

The cat had been gone a long while. Mat was used to the comings and going of the cat and was always there to welcome and enjoy her warm, furry closeness as she curled up on top of him. This time it was different, it felt different, the cat had been gone too long, far too long.

Mat was a good and decent mat and he was getting worried. Very worried. What could have happened. She must be in some kind of trouble. Bad trouble. He thought to himself. In short sentences. Because that’s how mats think. And speak.

If only I could get away. I could find her. Rescue her. From whatever peril. She may have encountered. I am worried.

Now, most people are unaware that mats and related species have the ability to move by themselves, albeit not very far at any given time. People will notice that mats have moved but jump to the wrong conclusion and they always blame someone else. Usually the kids.

Mat had tried to move on several occasions, however, he had never managed more than a few inches without his mistress shouting “Stop running around and will somebody straighten that bloody mat”.

He had even tried exercising. But as everyone knows it is not that easy to get a decent carpet fitter.

If only he could fly! All mats knew the legend of the flying carpet, and all believed that the utterance of a single magical word could induce levitation and give aeronautical freedom to any form of floor based upholstery.

“I wish I knew The Magic Word “ He said aloud.

“We do” Chorused back several voices from around the house.

“What” exclaimed Mat. “You carpets. You know the magic word”

“Of course we do. Why else do you think that they keep our edges fastened down” (Carpets can manage much longer sentences. It’s a pro-rata thing)

“What is it then? Please tell. I need to rescue the cat”

“We are not allowed to tell you”

“Please. It’s important. Very Important.”

“I suppose we can give him clues, and he could work it out for himself, and then we won’t have broken the carpet code of conduct” Said the stair carpet (Who could manage the longest sentences of all)

“Well OK” said the lounge carpet. It’s got 5 syllables, the last two are the same as the first two”

“Okayyy” replied Mat thoughtfully.

“First syllable vowel” came the quiet voice of the fitted carpet behind the closed door of the cloakroom.

“Ahhh” thought Mat. “Hooray” cheered the carpets.

“Oh??” said Mat”

“Noooooo” said the carpets

“Got It” Said Mat.

“Second syllable mistress underwear” wafted our from under the door of the upstairs toilet.

“Knickers!” Exclaimed Mat.

“Noooo” chorused the carpets. “Keep trying”

“Third syllable”. “Master’s Job”

“Now you have all the information you need” Said the lounge carpet.

Mat thought hard.

“A - Thong – Computer Aided Design” He announced, much to the amusement of all the other carpets.

“I’ll never get it”, he berbered as the piles of laughter died away.

“Get a gripper on yourself man. Try again. Think acronyms”

“OK, ermmmmm” “A – Thong – CAD”

“Almost, other kinds.”

Mat tried hard to think of the underwear owned by his mistress, the problem was that he was only really familiar with the items that he was able to see from his position on the floor. (There are some advantages to being a mat)

Suddenly he remembered one particular night when his mistress came home in a very excited state and he had found himself completely covered in her clothes a few seconds after her arrival.

He thought hard. Dress. Stockings. Suspender belt. Thong. What was it, something else, yes? …..YES, …..YES!!!*. He remembered. A Bra!.

“A - Bra – CAD!”

All of a sudden he felt very peculiar and if asked would have described the feeling of being light headed. If he had one.

“Remember the five syllables, Last two the same as the first”

Mat took a deep breath and announced….

“A-Bra-CAD-A-Bra!”

He rose from the floor, a bit wobbly at first, but soon he was floating majestically in mid air.

The rest of the carpets cheered. “Now go and find the cat”

With a wave of his label Mat performed an impromptu victory roll, shot upstairs and flew out through an open window into the big wide world.

*Which, strangely enough, was exactly what his mistress had said.

2007-11-19T09:39:00.000Z

[Characters] 5 year old Chantelle and her 6 year old brother Calvin. Their parents, Kylie and the bloke she met on the pull last night.

[Scene] Christmas morning, the crack of dawn, the children are up early, anxious for their presents. They run down the stairs, bouncing with the enthusiasm only those who have yet to experience life can muster. They fall upon their presents, ripping the paper off with glee.

Chantelle, gleefully: "Mummy, daddy! It's the best present in the world ever! You're the best parents in the world, ever".

Calvin, mumpingly: "It's not fair, she always gets the best presents."

Kylie, sluttily: "It's OK, Calvin, look. We got you one as well!"

Calvin: "Yaaaaaay".

The whole family burst into song as the children play with their new toys.

"Throw it off the roof,
Bounce it on the floor,
Kick it in the crotch,
And bang it off the door,

Dead cat,
Dead cat,
It's really where it's at,
Dead cat,
Dead cat,
It's really where it's at."

[Voiceover] Available from all good stores, not suitable for children under the age of 5 as putrefecation may be contagious, always consult a taxidermist before attempting repairs".

BOSSY

2007-11-16T20:18:00.000Z

With one bound, the cat sprang - straight up. Clawing its way sinuously to the top of the ~~five-year-old nylon~~ antique lace curtains, handed down from Granny Bert, it slipped easily out of the open window and into the gathering dusk, never to be seen again.

BOSSY breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Now we can write whatever the f*** we want," she declared happily.

Haiku 2

2007-11-16T15:00:00.000Z

Right, raise your hands please
If the cat bit is dead old
And we'll post anew.

LOLCAT Haiku

2007-11-10T09:25:00.000Z

Uh-oh...diz not gud.
I can has gnu? Not shute me.
Halp! halp! Kthxbai

LOLCAT

2007-11-08T21:40:00.001Z

Western

2007-11-07T20:52:00.000Z

Fluffy(cat, apparently), is glad to be out of that poxy house, and is now on the prowl for some evil varmint called Farty. A two-timin' good-fur nuthin'. horizontal flame spurtin' gas rig. Fluffy(for f*cks sake, cant WE change the name?), is not pleased. She needs revenge for being called Fluffy, and is packing her six-shooters for the final showdown with the old 'Windy one'.

"Draw", she said.

There was a bang, and...............

Reality TV

2007-11-06T21:11:00.000Z

Dee fowateen in tha Big Brutha Howse; wan foughty-seven pee em.

Tha mice are in tha hole in tha skirtin boward, talkin aboot tha cat.

Whitey: "That Fluffy's nothing but a dirty alley-cat, the filthy hooah."

Three-legs: "She should never have been allowed back in the house, it's against the rules. I've got a good mind to walk out...er, limp out."

Tha cat is in tha Di-aree Room, talkin to Big Brutha.

Fluffy: "...and then he gave me a mouse. I mean, I'm not being funny, right, but I thought it was dead. So I was, you know, like, quite pleased, yeah? I went to pick it up and the little <tweet tweet> jumped up and made a run for it! I tried to grab it, but all I got was a <tweet tweet> leg! What use is that to man or beast?"

Big Brother: "Do you have anything else you'd like to tell Big Brother?"

Fluffy: "Well, I don't know how much longer I can keep it a secret from the other house-mates; I'm sure two-legs suspects it already..."

Big Brother: "Big Brother is sure you'll manage. The Diary Room door is now open."

Fluffy: "Oh...and my sardine ration has run out - any chance of -"

Big Brother: "Goodbye, Fluffy."

Haiku

2007-11-05T22:03:00.001Z

Cat, you look for love
Between deep night and daybreak
Stop making that noise

Romance.

2007-11-05T19:01:00.000Z

.......The look from cat was well received, the tom responding with seductive purrs. What cat decides next could have serious ramifications on her future. A juicy mouse, by way of a gift was presented to her. She accepted, a grin appearing across her whiskered mouth. The candles burned brightly in the living room. The two-legs were out, could this be the taking of her......

2007-11-05T12:05:00.001Z

The gruesome sights and smells lingering in her sensitive nostrils, the cat fled, velvet paws leaving barely a trace as she scurried from room to room back out of the hellhole, emerging into the cool, black night.

Finally outside, she sniffed the air delicately. An owl hooted above her, and she ran like a streak of lightening across the pavement and through the flapping pet-door of the bungalow owned by the two-legs she had commandeered. The two-legs was sitting in an armchair, reading a novel and drinking tea. The cat leaped into his lap, positioning herself driectly between the book and his nose, as was customary.

"Damnit, Fluffy - why is it every time I'm reading you want to snuggle?" The two-legs pushed her out of the chair. "I suppose you have been out looking for romance."

The cat gave him the look....

Limerick

2007-11-04T20:38:00.000Z

There was a young moggy from Earth,
Who on a spaceship took a berth,
The captain, though dashing,
Was too keen on slashing,
So she ran off and hid in the hearth.

2007-11-03T21:08:00.000Z

..........the flash of the blade was spotted by the cat, and she ducked under the blade. Making off as fast as possible, she blundered into a room where she really didn't want to be. A research facility. Horrific sights confronted the cat, blood was everywhere. Cat parts, human parts, and some other parts that Cat couldn't make out. This wasn't good.
There was a movement to Cats left, she ducked. The thing kept coming. She ducked again.
"Run", she said to herself, "Run".
She ran, and.............

Horror

2007-11-03T16:08:00.000Z

Space Cat beckoned for her to go with him. The cat followed Space Cat towards the ship. She was enthralled by Space Cat's presence and thrilled to be with him, but as soon as she stepped into the ship, she realised something was wrong.

Badly wrong.

The interior of the ship was dimly lit, and had a peculiar smell. A metallic smell, and the cat was reminded of the taste of old pennies. She glanced around. And then she saw them. It was carnage. Bodies were piled up all over the place. The floor was sticky with blood. The cat swallowed hard, trying not to gag.

"What happened?", she asked Space Cat. "Why have you brought me here?"

Space Cat smiled. And as soon as he did, the cat realised that her hero was not all he seemed.

"You were brought here for a reason, cat." said Space Cat. "You are one of the chosen ones."

"Chosen for what?", asked the cat, delicately stepping over a severed head. She was conscious of her paws slipping and sliding around in the blood - evidence it was fresh.

Space Cat's sardonic grin stretched wider. "You're one of the chosen ones", he repeated. "Few have the opportunity to serve. You are very fortunate, cat."

"Serve who?" asked the cat, wondering if there was some sort of bizarre dinner party in the offing.

"The great one. Come with me, my pretty", said Space Cat.

The cat backed away. Hero worship was perhaps better in theory. But she wasn't quick enough. There was a flash of silver, and a hiss as the knife cut through the air....

Sci-fi

2007-10-26T20:21:00.000+01:00

The cats hair flattened when it saw its hero, Space Cat lope out of the space craft. Pussy had had strange dreams about Space Cat ever since she was fed odd shaped pellets as a kitten. She had tried a few, but they had made her ill, not noticing 'slug pellets' written on the box. (well, being a pussy, and female, she couldn't read).

Space Cat came sauntering over with that on your back look in his eyes. "Hi, babe." he purred,"Fancy a trip?"

"Where to, Space Cat, where to?" she mewed seductively.

"Now, that would be telling........................"

The Cat Sat On The Mat

2007-10-25T23:01:00.000+01:00

It might have been stuffed, but for the fact that its tail occasionally twitched back and forth. Through half-closed eyes, it surveyed the room around it.

A small stove in one corner crackled with the sound of burning wood. Beside it, some wet clothes had been hung up to dry: a rather naff wooly jumper, some tattered blue jeans, a pair of off-white socks.

Below the grimy window, a sink was piled high with dirty dishes. The cat really wasn't in the mood to wash dishes right now, but it could hear a faint scratching sound coming from just outside the window.

The cat yawned, stretched nonchalantly and padded across the room. Leaping up on the counter, it peered through the one clean window pane.

What it saw made its hair stand on end.