Meanwhile back at the ranch…

Mathew had been lying about all day. Because that’s what he did, all day, everyday, except on the days when his mistress decided he needed a good beating. Today though was a normal sort of day, she was out and the large paddle remained hanging in the cupboard. So Mathew spent his day lying around on the cold stone floor. Well, that’s what mats do innit.

The cat had been gone a long while. Mat was used to the comings and going of the cat and was always there to welcome and enjoy her warm, furry closeness as she curled up on top of him. This time it was different, it felt different, the cat had been gone too long, far too long.

Mat was a good and decent mat and he was getting worried. Very worried. What could have happened. She must be in some kind of trouble. Bad trouble. He thought to himself. In short sentences. Because that’s how mats think. And speak.

If only I could get away. I could find her. Rescue her. From whatever peril. She may have encountered. I am worried.

Now, most people are unaware that mats and related species have the ability to move by themselves, albeit not very far at any given time. People will notice that mats have moved but jump to the wrong conclusion and they always blame someone else. Usually the kids.

Mat had tried to move on several occasions, however, he had never managed more than a few inches without his mistress shouting “Stop running around and will somebody straighten that bloody mat”.

He had even tried exercising. But as everyone knows it is not that easy to get a decent carpet fitter.

If only he could fly! All mats knew the legend of the flying carpet, and all believed that the utterance of a single magical word could induce levitation and give aeronautical freedom to any form of floor based upholstery.

“I wish I knew The Magic Word “ He said aloud.

“We do” Chorused back several voices from around the house.

“What” exclaimed Mat. “You carpets. You know the magic word”

“Of course we do. Why else do you think that they keep our edges fastened down” (Carpets can manage much longer sentences. It’s a pro-rata thing)

“What is it then? Please tell. I need to rescue the cat”

“We are not allowed to tell you”

“Please. It’s important. Very Important.”

“I suppose we can give him clues, and he could work it out for himself, and then we won’t have broken the carpet code of conduct” Said the stair carpet (Who could manage the longest sentences of all)

“Well OK” said the lounge carpet. It’s got 5 syllables, the last two are the same as the first two”

“Okayyy” replied Mat thoughtfully.

“First syllable vowel” came the quiet voice of the fitted carpet behind the closed door of the cloakroom.

“Ahhh” thought Mat. “Hooray” cheered the carpets.

“Oh??” said Mat”

“Noooooo” said the carpets

“Got It” Said Mat.

“Second syllable mistress underwear” wafted our from under the door of the upstairs toilet.

“Knickers!” Exclaimed Mat.

“Noooo” chorused the carpets. “Keep trying”

“Third syllable”. “Master’s Job”

“Now you have all the information you need” Said the lounge carpet.

Mat thought hard.

“A - Thong – Computer Aided Design” He announced, much to the amusement of all the other carpets.

“I’ll never get it”, he berbered as the piles of laughter died away.

“Get a gripper on yourself man. Try again. Think acronyms”

“OK, ermmmmm” “A – Thong – CAD”

“Almost, other kinds.”

Mat tried hard to think of the underwear owned by his mistress, the problem was that he was only really familiar with the items that he was able to see from his position on the floor. (There are some advantages to being a mat)

Suddenly he remembered one particular night when his mistress came home in a very excited state and he had found himself completely covered in her clothes a few seconds after her arrival.

He thought hard. Dress. Stockings. Suspender belt. Thong. What was it, something else, yes? …..YES, …..YES!!!*. He remembered. A Bra!.

“A - Bra – CAD!”

All of a sudden he felt very peculiar and if asked would have described the feeling of being light headed. If he had one.

“Remember the five syllables, Last two the same as the first”

Mat took a deep breath and announced….

“A-Bra-CAD-A-Bra!”

He rose from the floor, a bit wobbly at first, but soon he was floating majestically in mid air.

The rest of the carpets cheered. “Now go and find the cat”

With a wave of his label Mat performed an impromptu victory roll, shot upstairs and flew out through an open window into the big wide world.


*Which, strangely enough, was exactly what his mistress had said.

Advertisement

[Characters] 5 year old Chantelle and her 6 year old brother Calvin. Their parents, Kylie and the bloke she met on the pull last night.

[Scene] Christmas morning, the crack of dawn, the children are up early, anxious for their presents. They run down the stairs, bouncing with the enthusiasm only those who have yet to experience life can muster. They fall upon their presents, ripping the paper off with glee.

Chantelle, gleefully: "Mummy, daddy! It's the best present in the world ever! You're the best parents in the world, ever".

Calvin, mumpingly: "It's not fair, she always gets the best presents."

Kylie, sluttily: "It's OK, Calvin, look. We got you one as well!"

Calvin: "Yaaaaaay".

The whole family burst into song as the children play with their new toys.

"Throw it off the roof,
Bounce it on the floor,
Kick it in the crotch,
And bang it off the door,

Dead cat,
Dead cat,
It's really where it's at,
Dead cat,
Dead cat,
It's really where it's at."

[Voiceover] Available from all good stores, not suitable for children under the age of 5 as putrefecation may be contagious, always consult a taxidermist before attempting repairs".

BOSSY

With one bound, the cat sprang - straight up. Clawing its way sinuously to the top of the five-year-old nylon antique lace curtains, handed down from Granny Bert, it slipped easily out of the open window and into the gathering dusk, never to be seen again.

BOSSY breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Now we can write whatever the f*** we want," she declared happily.

Haiku 2

Right, raise your hands please
If the cat bit is dead old
And we'll post anew.

LOLCAT Haiku

Uh-oh...diz not gud.
I can has gnu? Not shute me.
Halp! halp! Kthxbai

LOLCAT

Western

Fluffy(cat, apparently), is glad to be out of that poxy house, and is now on the prowl for some evil varmint called Farty. A two-timin' good-fur nuthin'. horizontal flame spurtin' gas rig. Fluffy(for f*cks sake, cant WE change the name?), is not pleased. She needs revenge for being called Fluffy, and is packing her six-shooters for the final showdown with the old 'Windy one'.

"Draw", she said.

There was a bang, and...............