- Eejit.
Jimmy Cat was enjoying breakfast. The sardines were a taste, though the juice had made a bit of a dribble on the floor. No matter, he'd lick it up when Mrs. Cat wasn't looking.
Jimmy was giving out about the other cat in the house, a patchy porker who was visiting Mr. and Mrs. Upstairs. Something about Mrs. Upstairs' sister's piles being worked on in a hospital in Sligo. Any rate, old baldy was in the house to stay, and he was, as Jimmy said, an eejit.
- Now, then, he's not so bad.
Mrs. Cat, taking the side of the guest.
- He's taken a dump in the pantry.
- Not his fault he ate all that leftover curry.
- Eejit.
- Now, now.
Jimmy didn't care. He didn't care if baldy heard him. He was in a foul mood, what with this and the sardine juice down his chin and Jimmy Junior getting his ear ripped the other night by some tough from Dunblane. Barrytown wasn't fit to live in with all this going on, foreign cats and all.
- I'm going out.
- Don't go looking for that Dunblane cat.
Fuck. How did she know?
- I know what you're thinking of. Leave it be. Wee Jimmy'll have to fight his own fights.
What the bloody hell was the world coming to? Now the woman was telling him not to meddle, to let the kid fight it out. That was completely backwards. It was supposed to be the ma giving out to the kiddies about not messing, staying out of fights, not encouraging them. It was getting so that Jimmy had no clue what a da was supposed to do any more.
- Alright, I'm going to Bertie's. He's some fish bones need seeing to.
Jimmy left, scanning the road for that Eejit dog Rover and making sure there was no dog poo in his path. Barrytown. What a dump. And now he was sharing it with a balding mog from Kinsale, who gobbled leftover curry and deposited the remains inside the house.
Jimmy hoped Bertie had something better than fish bones to take his mind off it all.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Thursday, 4 September 2008
With apologies to Joyce Kilmer.
Kittees
I think that I shall never see
A human clever as a cat.
A cat whose hungry eyes will stare
At that sweet cheezburger sitting there.
A cat that watches for his chance
To steal that burger while you glance
At other kitteh over there
Who's hacking up a ball of hair.
Upon your carpet he has lain,
A knarly icky glob to stain.
Humans are just fools you see,
Can be distracted, meanwhile we...
Can haz cheezburger.
Om nom nom hey nonny nonny.
Kittees
I think that I shall never see
A human clever as a cat.
A cat whose hungry eyes will stare
At that sweet cheezburger sitting there.
A cat that watches for his chance
To steal that burger while you glance
At other kitteh over there
Who's hacking up a ball of hair.
Upon your carpet he has lain,
A knarly icky glob to stain.
Humans are just fools you see,
Can be distracted, meanwhile we...
Can haz cheezburger.
Om nom nom hey nonny nonny.
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Jenasis
Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem. Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz. At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.
An Basement Cat LOLed.
Monday, 28 April 2008
bill bissett
[for reference, bill bissett]
nd th cat's n my hed
but that's alright, n evrythng
cos maybe he's ded, n maybe he isnt
it's uncertn, see? with tht giger cntr n all
friggin Heisnbrg. I lrnd it n school, but it
didnt do me no good now, did it?
so, nyway, here's the cat deal.
He's lost, n the dark more or less,
lookin at th parchmnt
thinkn bout onions
n stuff
n then there's this big noise
sounds like Montreal on a Tuesday
after th Habs win
nd he scats
not scats like crap, but like outta here, man
leavin the darkness
leavin the parchmnt
leavin, always leavin
lik m leavin u now
not fr gud, just fr now
nd th cat's n my hed
but that's alright, n evrythng
cos maybe he's ded, n maybe he isnt
it's uncertn, see? with tht giger cntr n all
friggin Heisnbrg. I lrnd it n school, but it
didnt do me no good now, did it?
so, nyway, here's the cat deal.
He's lost, n the dark more or less,
lookin at th parchmnt
thinkn bout onions
n stuff
n then there's this big noise
sounds like Montreal on a Tuesday
after th Habs win
nd he scats
not scats like crap, but like outta here, man
leavin the darkness
leavin the parchmnt
leavin, always leavin
lik m leavin u now
not fr gud, just fr now
Monday, 10 March 2008
419
From: Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora.
No:36 Old Shrewberry Street,
London England.
Beloved,
I am Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora, suffering from cancerous ailment.I used to be married to Sir Rosjoy Goldentouch an English aristocat of very high breeding who is dead and resting peacefully. My husband was an able-bodied seaman all his life before he passed. Our life together as man and wife lasted for three minutes without offsprings. My husband died after a protracted illness in an accident he got from Africa while on humanitarian duties. He was shot while scavenging from dustbins, then cooked and eaten. My husband,while he was alive made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from the marriage, which never came.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Twenty Million Pounds (20,000,000.00 Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling)which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from. Which effect my grammer; syntax and speling.
Though what bothers me most is the Tennis Elbow that I have in addition to the cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially, such as people who are obliged to live Up North.
I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy individuals and I do not want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures such as dolphin-flavoured catfood. I do not want this money to be misused hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me. I do not want them to know about this development because i want the money used for the Less Previledged. Also, holding a telephone is quite tricky in my predicament.
My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon.You can contact me through my personal email address at: pandorafunds419@hotmail.scam
Thanking you in advance for everything,
Sincerely yours,
Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora
No:36 Old Shrewberry Street,
London England.
Beloved,
I am Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora, suffering from cancerous ailment.I used to be married to Sir Rosjoy Goldentouch an English aristocat of very high breeding who is dead and resting peacefully. My husband was an able-bodied seaman all his life before he passed. Our life together as man and wife lasted for three minutes without offsprings. My husband died after a protracted illness in an accident he got from Africa while on humanitarian duties. He was shot while scavenging from dustbins, then cooked and eaten. My husband,while he was alive made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from the marriage, which never came.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Twenty Million Pounds (20,000,000.00 Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling)which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from. Which effect my grammer; syntax and speling.
Though what bothers me most is the Tennis Elbow that I have in addition to the cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially, such as people who are obliged to live Up North.
I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy individuals and I do not want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures such as dolphin-flavoured catfood. I do not want this money to be misused hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me. I do not want them to know about this development because i want the money used for the Less Previledged. Also, holding a telephone is quite tricky in my predicament.
My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon.You can contact me through my personal email address at: pandorafunds419@hotmail.scam
Thanking you in advance for everything,
Sincerely yours,
Lady Hypnos Pearly Pandora
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Dungeon Cat
You find yourself in a large chamber dimly lit by flickering torches.
Passages lead off to the north and east.
A spiral staircase leads up into darkness.
Look.
Looking around, you see:
* A large, glittering emerald.
* A short, bronze sword inscribed with mysterious runes.
* A wooden box.
* A collection of small, coloured polyhedrons.
* A sheet of parchment.
You hear a meowing sound coming from the box.
Get box.
You pick up the wooden box. It shifts in your hands.
Open box.
You open the wooden box.
Inside the box, you see:
* A small, glowing lump of metal.
* A geiger counter.
* A vial marked "Poison".
* A small, black cat.
The cat leaps from the box and disappears up the spiral staircase.
Get parchment.
You pick up the sheet of parchment. It bears an inscription.
Read parchment.
R.I.P. Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D.
Passages lead off to the north and east.
A spiral staircase leads up into darkness.
Look.
Looking around, you see:
* A large, glittering emerald.
* A short, bronze sword inscribed with mysterious runes.
* A wooden box.
* A collection of small, coloured polyhedrons.
* A sheet of parchment.
You hear a meowing sound coming from the box.
Get box.
You pick up the wooden box. It shifts in your hands.
Open box.
You open the wooden box.
Inside the box, you see:
* A small, glowing lump of metal.
* A geiger counter.
* A vial marked "Poison".
* A small, black cat.
The cat leaps from the box and disappears up the spiral staircase.
Get parchment.
You pick up the sheet of parchment. It bears an inscription.
Read parchment.
R.I.P. Gary Gygax, co-creator of D&D.
Monday, 25 February 2008
King James Version
And so it was, that the days were accomplished, that she would be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and then a daughter, then two more sons and another daughter.
Verily I say unto you, the children she did clasp to her bosom, and did give suck, for unto this time had she awaited. But the Tom had forsaken her, and lo! she was wroth and exceedingly distressed.
Blessed be the kit who doth know his father, and his father's name. Unto him shall come much milk and kibble. But woe to the fatherless kit who comes not with mice to instruct the young and favor his spouse.
And when the time was passed, and the kits weaned from her bosom, then did the cat seek the Tom, for his place in their instruction was ordained by the prophets, but he came not, neither could she find him.
Verily I say unto you, the children she did clasp to her bosom, and did give suck, for unto this time had she awaited. But the Tom had forsaken her, and lo! she was wroth and exceedingly distressed.
Blessed be the kit who doth know his father, and his father's name. Unto him shall come much milk and kibble. But woe to the fatherless kit who comes not with mice to instruct the young and favor his spouse.
And when the time was passed, and the kits weaned from her bosom, then did the cat seek the Tom, for his place in their instruction was ordained by the prophets, but he came not, neither could she find him.
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