Friday, 14 December 2007
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
'A HAT LAY ON THE DUSTY MAT'.
This is not acceptable, too much risk of asthma.
'INSIDE THE HAT, THERE SAT A CAT'.
No,no. You cannot have a cat sat inside a hat, think of the allergy ramifications!
'THE MAT WAS GREY'.
Safe, neutral colour.
'THE HAT WAS GREY'.
Camouflage, I like this!
'THE CAT WAS HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT.'
Now, you're running a fine line,threatening behaviour!
'WHO GIVES A DAMN WHERE THE MAT CAT SAT?'
The jury's out........
Monday, 3 December 2007
Thank you so much for your long and very interesting letter. It did take me a while to decipher it, though. Perhaps you could use a keyboard next time, as your writing is a little difficult to read.
I couldn't make head nor tail of some of it!
As requested, I am replying through my column (oh, I do hate having to use that term!) to protect your privacy.
You certainly have some interesting issues to deal with.
First things first.
The man who is cutting holes in your door. You didn't mention whether you know him, or if he is some sort of wandering madman, trying to get in. If it is the latter. I advise you VERY STRONGLY to call the police IMMEDIATELY.
No, no trying to talk to him. If he is using power tools to break in, dial 999. It's for the best, lovie.
Secondly, you say that you feel that nobody listens to you. Oh, my dear, my dear. We all feel that way sometimes. Are you using the right language? Simply changing the tone of your voice might be all it needs to make people sit up and take notice.
However, it worries me rather that you talk about jumping onto your housemates' laps to get their attention. This is not constructive behaviour, sweetie. You'll get a reputation if nothing else! And you might end up hurting someone. I know it makes you feel better in the short term, but think about it...is it the kind of thing that you can carry on indefinitely?
Finally, the destructive behaviour. You didn't go into much detail about this, and to be honest your writing was rather hard to understand here. Were you getting very excited when you wrote this part of your letter?
I made out the words "kitteh skrach skrach skrach" I think. And "Ah luvs mah klaus!!111!!!" but I was left a little bewildered by this, I must confess. Were you referring to a dreadful experience at a childhood Christmas perhaps?
Anyway, I think you need to try to get out into the fresh air and take your mind off things.
Maybe meet a nice girl or two?
Have you thought about taking up a new activity? What about singing? It is TERRIBLY good for cheering oneself up, sweetie. You might discover a voice you never knew you had!
Please let me know how you get on.
Friday, 30 November 2007
Swyve thys for an game of soldiery, Ich haue an better idea by far! Ich shall give ye catte to mine gude freende Johannes Gowere and get mineself an hounde!
Saturday, 24 November 2007
The work was not going too well, and the last thing he needed was somebody elses' cat crap landing on him. Unmoved, he carried on.
Step 1: Measure door width to ensure correct centralisation of hole to be cut.
Step 2: Cut hole by drilling four holes, one in each corner, then use saw to make cuts between holes.
Step 3: Before fitting cat-flap check cat fits through hole.
Step 4: If cat is too big for hole................?
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
The cat had been gone a long while. Mat was used to the comings and going of the cat and was always there to welcome and enjoy her warm, furry closeness as she curled up on top of him. This time it was different, it felt different, the cat had been gone too long, far too long.
Mat was a good and decent mat and he was getting worried. Very worried. What could have happened. She must be in some kind of trouble. Bad trouble. He thought to himself. In short sentences. Because that’s how mats think. And speak.
If only I could get away. I could find her. Rescue her. From whatever peril. She may have encountered. I am worried.
Now, most people are unaware that mats and related species have the ability to move by themselves, albeit not very far at any given time. People will notice that mats have moved but jump to the wrong conclusion and they always blame someone else. Usually the kids.
Mat had tried to move on several occasions, however, he had never managed more than a few inches without his mistress shouting “Stop running around and will somebody straighten that bloody mat”.
He had even tried exercising. But as everyone knows it is not that easy to get a decent carpet fitter.
If only he could fly! All mats knew the legend of the flying carpet, and all believed that the utterance of a single magical word could induce levitation and give aeronautical freedom to any form of floor based upholstery.
“I wish I knew The Magic Word “ He said aloud.
“We do” Chorused back several voices from around the house.
“What” exclaimed Mat. “You carpets. You know the magic word”
“Of course we do. Why else do you think that they keep our edges fastened down” (Carpets can manage much longer sentences. It’s a pro-rata thing)
“What is it then? Please tell. I need to rescue the cat”
“We are not allowed to tell you”
“Please. It’s important. Very Important.”
“I suppose we can give him clues, and he could work it out for himself, and then we won’t have broken the carpet code of conduct” Said the stair carpet (Who could manage the longest sentences of all)
“Well OK” said the lounge carpet. It’s got 5 syllables, the last two are the same as the first two”
“Okayyy” replied Mat thoughtfully.
“First syllable vowel” came the quiet voice of the fitted carpet behind the closed door of the cloakroom.
“Ahhh” thought Mat. “Hooray” cheered the carpets.
“Oh??” said Mat”
“Noooooo” said the carpets
“Got It” Said Mat.
“Second syllable mistress underwear” wafted our from under the door of the upstairs toilet.
“Knickers!” Exclaimed Mat.
“Noooo” chorused the carpets. “Keep trying”
“Third syllable”. “Master’s Job”
“Now you have all the information you need” Said the lounge carpet.
Mat thought hard.
“A - Thong – Computer Aided Design” He announced, much to the amusement of all the other carpets.
“I’ll never get it”, he berbered as the piles of laughter died away.
“Get a gripper on yourself man. Try again. Think acronyms”
“OK, ermmmmm” “A – Thong – CAD”
“Almost, other kinds.”
Mat tried hard to think of the underwear owned by his mistress, the problem was that he was only really familiar with the items that he was able to see from his position on the floor. (There are some advantages to being a mat)
Suddenly he remembered one particular night when his mistress came home in a very excited state and he had found himself completely covered in her clothes a few seconds after her arrival.
He thought hard. Dress. Stockings. Suspender belt. Thong. What was it, something else, yes? …..YES, …..YES!!!*. He remembered. A Bra!.
“A - Bra – CAD!”
All of a sudden he felt very peculiar and if asked would have described the feeling of being light headed. If he had one.
“Remember the five syllables, Last two the same as the first”
Mat took a deep breath and announced….
He rose from the floor, a bit wobbly at first, but soon he was floating majestically in mid air.
The rest of the carpets cheered. “Now go and find the cat”
With a wave of his label Mat performed an impromptu victory roll, shot upstairs and flew out through an open window into the big wide world.
*Which, strangely enough, was exactly what his mistress had said.
Monday, 19 November 2007
[Scene] Christmas morning, the crack of dawn, the children are up early, anxious for their presents. They run down the stairs, bouncing with the enthusiasm only those who have yet to experience life can muster. They fall upon their presents, ripping the paper off with glee.
Chantelle, gleefully: "Mummy, daddy! It's the best present in the world ever! You're the best parents in the world, ever".
Calvin, mumpingly: "It's not fair, she always gets the best presents."
Kylie, sluttily: "It's OK, Calvin, look. We got you one as well!"
The whole family burst into song as the children play with their new toys.
"Throw it off the roof,
Bounce it on the floor,
Kick it in the crotch,
And bang it off the door,
It's really where it's at,
It's really where it's at."
[Voiceover] Available from all good stores, not suitable for children under the age of 5 as putrefecation may be contagious, always consult a taxidermist before attempting repairs".
Friday, 16 November 2007
BOSSY breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Now we can write whatever the f*** we want," she declared happily.
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
"Draw", she said.
There was a bang, and...............
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Tha mice are in tha hole in tha skirtin boward, talkin aboot tha cat.
Whitey: "That Fluffy's nothing but a dirty alley-cat, the filthy hooah."
Three-legs: "She should never have been allowed back in the house, it's against the rules. I've got a good mind to walk out...er, limp out."
Tha cat is in tha Di-aree Room, talkin to Big Brutha.
Fluffy: "...and then he gave me a mouse. I mean, I'm not being funny, right, but I thought it was dead. So I was, you know, like, quite pleased, yeah? I went to pick it up and the little <tweet tweet> jumped up and made a run for it! I tried to grab it, but all I got was a <tweet tweet> leg! What use is that to man or beast?"
Big Brother: "Do you have anything else you'd like to tell Big Brother?"
Fluffy: "Well, I don't know how much longer I can keep it a secret from the other house-mates; I'm sure two-legs suspects it already..."
Big Brother: "Big Brother is sure you'll manage. The Diary Room door is now open."
Fluffy: "Oh...and my sardine ration has run out - any chance of -"
Big Brother: "Goodbye, Fluffy."
Monday, 5 November 2007
Finally outside, she sniffed the air delicately. An owl hooted above her, and she ran like a streak of lightening across the pavement and through the flapping pet-door of the bungalow owned by the two-legs she had commandeered. The two-legs was sitting in an armchair, reading a novel and drinking tea. The cat leaped into his lap, positioning herself driectly between the book and his nose, as was customary.
"Damnit, Fluffy - why is it every time I'm reading you want to snuggle?" The two-legs pushed her out of the chair. "I suppose you have been out looking for romance."
The cat gave him the look....
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
There was a movement to Cats left, she ducked. The thing kept coming. She ducked again.
"Run", she said to herself, "Run".
She ran, and.............
The interior of the ship was dimly lit, and had a peculiar smell. A metallic smell, and the cat was reminded of the taste of old pennies. She glanced around. And then she saw them. It was carnage. Bodies were piled up all over the place. The floor was sticky with blood. The cat swallowed hard, trying not to gag.
"What happened?", she asked Space Cat. "Why have you brought me here?"
Space Cat smiled. And as soon as he did, the cat realised that her hero was not all he seemed.
"You were brought here for a reason, cat." said Space Cat. "You are one of the chosen ones."
"Chosen for what?", asked the cat, delicately stepping over a severed head. She was conscious of her paws slipping and sliding around in the blood - evidence it was fresh.
Space Cat's sardonic grin stretched wider. "You're one of the chosen ones", he repeated. "Few have the opportunity to serve. You are very fortunate, cat."
"Serve who?" asked the cat, wondering if there was some sort of bizarre dinner party in the offing.
"The great one. Come with me, my pretty", said Space Cat.
The cat backed away. Hero worship was perhaps better in theory. But she wasn't quick enough. There was a flash of silver, and a hiss as the knife cut through the air....
Friday, 26 October 2007
Space Cat came sauntering over with that on your back look in his eyes. "Hi, babe." he purred,"Fancy a trip?"
"Where to, Space Cat, where to?" she mewed seductively.
"Now, that would be telling........................"
Thursday, 25 October 2007
A small stove in one corner crackled with the sound of burning wood. Beside it, some wet clothes had been hung up to dry: a rather naff wooly jumper, some tattered blue jeans, a pair of off-white socks.
Below the grimy window, a sink was piled high with dirty dishes. The cat really wasn't in the mood to wash dishes right now, but it could hear a faint scratching sound coming from just outside the window.
The cat yawned, stretched nonchalantly and padded across the room. Leaping up on the counter, it peered through the one clean window pane.
What it saw made its hair stand on end.