E.E. Cummings

but

&thisis the


(in the manner of)

and so the
hat flying furiously

:as it will,


when all feline friends are interwoven
brokenly;

and over the hill
comes


(I share the cream)

Legal Document.

'A HAT LAY ON THE DUSTY MAT'.
This is not acceptable, too much risk of asthma.

'INSIDE THE HAT, THERE SAT A CAT'.

No,no. You cannot have a cat sat inside a hat, think of the allergy ramifications!

'THE MAT WAS GREY'.

Safe, neutral colour.

'THE HAT WAS GREY'.

Camouflage, I like this!

'THE CAT WAS HOLDING A BASEBALL BAT.'

Now, you're running a fine line,threatening behaviour!

'WHO GIVES A DAMN WHERE THE MAT CAT SAT?'

The jury's out........

Dr. Seuss

A hat lay on the dusty mat
Inside the hat there sat a cat
The mat was grey
the hat was grey
the cat was holding a baseball bat
Who gives a damn where the mat cat sat?

Agony Aunt

Dear "Felix"

Thank you so much for your long and very interesting letter. It did take me a while to decipher it, though. Perhaps you could use a keyboard next time, as your writing is a little difficult to read.

I couldn't make head nor tail of some of it!

As requested, I am replying through my column (oh, I do hate having to use that term!) to protect your privacy.

You certainly have some interesting issues to deal with.

First things first.

The man who is cutting holes in your door. You didn't mention whether you know him, or if he is some sort of wandering madman, trying to get in. If it is the latter. I advise you VERY STRONGLY to call the police IMMEDIATELY.

Yes, immediately.

No, no trying to talk to him. If he is using power tools to break in, dial 999. It's for the best, lovie.

Secondly, you say that you feel that nobody listens to you. Oh, my dear, my dear. We all feel that way sometimes. Are you using the right language? Simply changing the tone of your voice might be all it needs to make people sit up and take notice.

However, it worries me rather that you talk about jumping onto your housemates' laps to get their attention. This is not constructive behaviour, sweetie. You'll get a reputation if nothing else! And you might end up hurting someone. I know it makes you feel better in the short term, but think about it...is it the kind of thing that you can carry on indefinitely?

Finally, the destructive behaviour. You didn't go into much detail about this, and to be honest your writing was rather hard to understand here. Were you getting very excited when you wrote this part of your letter?

I made out the words "kitteh skrach skrach skrach" I think. And "Ah luvs mah klaus!!111!!!" but I was left a little bewildered by this, I must confess. Were you referring to a dreadful experience at a childhood Christmas perhaps?

Anyway, I think you need to try to get out into the fresh air and take your mind off things.

Maybe meet a nice girl or two?

Have you thought about taking up a new activity? What about singing? It is TERRIBLY good for cheering oneself up, sweetie. You might discover a voice you never knew you had!

Please let me know how you get on.

Auntie Maudie.

Chaucer

Forsooth, and that, sayeth ye churl, thatte catte be exceeding fatte to fitte through yonder hole. Methinks Ich shall haue to fetch me a deuice for to make ye catte smaller, or mayhaps make ye hole bigger? Sikerly it be as Maister Murphy hath proclaimed, that an hole cutte to fitte shalle not be fitte for its purpose. Fol de rol. Ich haue made an japerye.

Swyve thys for an game of soldiery, Ich haue an better idea by far! Ich shall give ye catte to mine gude freende Johannes Gowere and get mineself an hounde!

Technical manual.

When Mat came back from his nightly excursion, and landed successfully in the lounge via the window he had craftily left open, Cat crapped on him. It was not a malicious crap, but one much needed as Mat had flown off with the kitty litter, and during his victory roll it fell off and landed on some poor bloke two doors down the street who was busily reading a technical manual on how to fit a cat flap in his back door.

The work was not going too well, and the last thing he needed was somebody elses' cat crap landing on him. Unmoved, he carried on.

Step 1: Measure door width to ensure correct centralisation of hole to be cut.
Step 2: Cut hole by drilling four holes, one in each corner, then use saw to make cuts between holes.
Step 3: Before fitting cat-flap check cat fits through hole.
Step 4: If cat is too big for hole................?

Meanwhile back at the ranch…

Mathew had been lying about all day. Because that’s what he did, all day, everyday, except on the days when his mistress decided he needed a good beating. Today though was a normal sort of day, she was out and the large paddle remained hanging in the cupboard. So Mathew spent his day lying around on the cold stone floor. Well, that’s what mats do innit.

The cat had been gone a long while. Mat was used to the comings and going of the cat and was always there to welcome and enjoy her warm, furry closeness as she curled up on top of him. This time it was different, it felt different, the cat had been gone too long, far too long.

Mat was a good and decent mat and he was getting worried. Very worried. What could have happened. She must be in some kind of trouble. Bad trouble. He thought to himself. In short sentences. Because that’s how mats think. And speak.

If only I could get away. I could find her. Rescue her. From whatever peril. She may have encountered. I am worried.

Now, most people are unaware that mats and related species have the ability to move by themselves, albeit not very far at any given time. People will notice that mats have moved but jump to the wrong conclusion and they always blame someone else. Usually the kids.

Mat had tried to move on several occasions, however, he had never managed more than a few inches without his mistress shouting “Stop running around and will somebody straighten that bloody mat”.

He had even tried exercising. But as everyone knows it is not that easy to get a decent carpet fitter.

If only he could fly! All mats knew the legend of the flying carpet, and all believed that the utterance of a single magical word could induce levitation and give aeronautical freedom to any form of floor based upholstery.

“I wish I knew The Magic Word “ He said aloud.

“We do” Chorused back several voices from around the house.

“What” exclaimed Mat. “You carpets. You know the magic word”

“Of course we do. Why else do you think that they keep our edges fastened down” (Carpets can manage much longer sentences. It’s a pro-rata thing)

“What is it then? Please tell. I need to rescue the cat”

“We are not allowed to tell you”

“Please. It’s important. Very Important.”

“I suppose we can give him clues, and he could work it out for himself, and then we won’t have broken the carpet code of conduct” Said the stair carpet (Who could manage the longest sentences of all)

“Well OK” said the lounge carpet. It’s got 5 syllables, the last two are the same as the first two”

“Okayyy” replied Mat thoughtfully.

“First syllable vowel” came the quiet voice of the fitted carpet behind the closed door of the cloakroom.

“Ahhh” thought Mat. “Hooray” cheered the carpets.

“Oh??” said Mat”

“Noooooo” said the carpets

“Got It” Said Mat.

“Second syllable mistress underwear” wafted our from under the door of the upstairs toilet.

“Knickers!” Exclaimed Mat.

“Noooo” chorused the carpets. “Keep trying”

“Third syllable”. “Master’s Job”

“Now you have all the information you need” Said the lounge carpet.

Mat thought hard.

“A - Thong – Computer Aided Design” He announced, much to the amusement of all the other carpets.

“I’ll never get it”, he berbered as the piles of laughter died away.

“Get a gripper on yourself man. Try again. Think acronyms”

“OK, ermmmmm” “A – Thong – CAD”

“Almost, other kinds.”

Mat tried hard to think of the underwear owned by his mistress, the problem was that he was only really familiar with the items that he was able to see from his position on the floor. (There are some advantages to being a mat)

Suddenly he remembered one particular night when his mistress came home in a very excited state and he had found himself completely covered in her clothes a few seconds after her arrival.

He thought hard. Dress. Stockings. Suspender belt. Thong. What was it, something else, yes? …..YES, …..YES!!!*. He remembered. A Bra!.

“A - Bra – CAD!”

All of a sudden he felt very peculiar and if asked would have described the feeling of being light headed. If he had one.

“Remember the five syllables, Last two the same as the first”

Mat took a deep breath and announced….

“A-Bra-CAD-A-Bra!”

He rose from the floor, a bit wobbly at first, but soon he was floating majestically in mid air.

The rest of the carpets cheered. “Now go and find the cat”

With a wave of his label Mat performed an impromptu victory roll, shot upstairs and flew out through an open window into the big wide world.


*Which, strangely enough, was exactly what his mistress had said.